Let me start off by saying that I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I have been dealing with a lot these past few weeks and writing was the last thing on my mind, but hopefully, I will be posting every day from now on.

Another thing before I get started, those of you who are allergic to emotion might want to come back later cause this is about to get dark and twisty real quick.

The contrast between the absolute high I was on in my last post until now is astounding.

Now I've hit rock bottom.

I joke around a lot about being anxious and you can usually see me on twitter joking about cracking open another pint of ice cream to cry into because my life just isn't going right, but what you don't see is, behind the computer, or in the car on the way home, with masks off, I'm broken.

It's no secret that I have depression coupled with my anxiety. I was a cutter, I've attempted suicide, I have broken down so many times and always managed to find something to help me get back up but this time, I don't know if I can. I know, trust me, I know, this looks a lot like I'm just complaining about all the shit that's going on in my own life when there's people out there that are hurting worse, but just because others have pain, it doesn't discredit my own. I feel like in order for me to continue sharing all of the wonderful parts of my life, I need to share the bad stuff too, because it's there, it's not going away, and getting to know me means getting to know it.

At work, I'm told daily how talented I am, how my passion for music shines through into every aspect of my life, but yet, I'm still working part time, getting rejection after rejection for any position that would allow me to move out of my mother's room and stop relying on her for things need because, sorry, yet again my paycheck is $200 this month. My mother is selling everything she owns, we're scraping pennies so that I can work towards my dream job, and I know, IT'S MY FAULT, but the guilt is there, clawing at me every time I have to ask for food money, or gas, or anything because I know I should give up and get myself a "big girl job". I have given up any semblance of a social life because, if I'm not at work, I'm at home applying for jobs, expanding my portfolio, researching new artists, literally dedicating my life to an industry that's doing a really great job at breaking me.

Living with anxiety and depression even without those things is a separate battle all on it's own. It's a voice in your head saying that you're not enough, every day is a fight within my mind. Especially within the last few weeks, the thoughts of suicide I thought I had gotten rid of have come back, some days I literally can't get out of bed because my body is so overcome with sadness. My self-esteem has never been so low, and with a job that requires pictures of me taken daily at events, I feel trapped. I have a condition called PCOS that makes it easier to gain weight and harder to lose it, and as the pounds keep piling on, so does the depression. I feel detached from the world around me, unwanted, alone, and I'm questioning my purpose, searching for a reason to stay on the earth that feels like it's only aim is to hold me down.

THE ONLY THING keeping me alive right now is music. People always ask why I'm SO dedicated to my favorite bands, but sometimes, they're all that I have. Music is something that is always there, a constant friend. Strange that the industry that's killing me is also keeping me alive....

So here it is, the playlist that's keeping me afloat at the moment.

These songs aren't necessarily happy or uplifting but this is a list of what I've been listening to the past few weeks, the tape and glue holding me together. There are songs that are relaxing, songs that make me feel like I'm not alone in this fight, and songs that make me want to just dance it out, the list is constantly changing but for right now, these are the songs I'm constantly reaching for (featuring A LOT of The 1975 because they are superglue.)

MY TAPE AND GLUE PLAYLIST.

CAR RADIO- TWENTY ONE PILOTS
A CHANGE OF HEART-THE 1975
BACK AGAIN- FLOR
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME- BEN RECTOR
IF I BELIEVE YOU-THE 1975
HEAVEN- TROYE SIVAN FT. BETTY WHO
MEDICINE- THE 1975
FALLINGFORYOU- THE 1975
ME- THE 1975
CLEAN- THE JAPANESE HOUSE
ROBBERS-THE 1975 (THIS SONG IS THE MOST SPECIAL)
CONTROL- HALSEY
KITCHEN SINK- TWENTY ONE PILOTS
SHE LAYS DOWN- THE 1975
IS THERE SOMEWHERE- HALSEY
SIGNS OF LIFE- ANDREW BELLE
WAKE ME UP- ED SHEERAN
WARM BLOOD- FLOR
GONER- TWENTY ONE PILOTS
WAY DOWN WE GO- KALEO
DRIVE- HALSEY
STILL- THE JAPANESE HOUSE
10,000 EMERALD POOLS- BØRNS
LOVING SOMEONE-THE 1975
GET BEHIND THIS-FLOR (THEY TOOK IT OFF ITUNES BUT ITS ON YOUTUBE)
LETTER BY THE WATER- THE JAPANESE HOUSE

I know this post is so jumbled, and complainy, and awful, and I'm sorry.

leave me a comment with what songs are on your "Tape and Glue" list and I'll be sure to listen to all of them, also, tell me what you think about mine!

all the love,

Marissa.